Week 7: Untangling Grief

I wonder who I would have been if you did not die...  

Week 7:  Untangling Grief

There are no instructions for grief. No path that one can follow and come out unscathed. In fact, grief is an emotional roller coaster, dragging you in many directions. Grief is a tangled knot no matter your attempts to unfasten. I know I still carry unresolved grief from heartache that began at a very young age, at a time when there were few people to guide me through loss. 

I was twenty-eight years old when Ryan died, and before losing him, I did not grasp the thought of losing a child, it felt so outlandish. But after we lost Ryan, all I wanted was for time to pass, believing that was my only way out from this pain. I so badly wanted to understand how I could repair this hole in my heart, as if there was a magic potion.  I searched for books on grief, there were few.

I eventually realized, there was no one answer that would help me heal. And with time, I recognized the peculiar beast we call grief. Allowing you to tether from fond memories to immobilizing despair, unable to climb from your bed. I was numb, unable to describe the feelings that had taken over my life. There was a fog of going through the motions of a day, pretending to be a mom to our surviving 3-year-old daughter, Chelsea.

Eventually I understood there are no instructions to unravel grief. It is instead a journey to discover ways to cope, small grace filled steps to understand our thoughts and emotions while discovering a purpose that can lead us towards hope.