Unraveling

September 15, 2014

My life has consisted of a constant unraveling, mostly of the things I once believed to be true...

Learning things different, learning life different, or at least a life cast in a new light, seemed to be more my style. Losing Ryan I lost every shred of the life I had learned up to that point. Never knowing of a pain that could cut so deep, or a sadness that would consume you.

Grandpa_and_ryan

Is that what life is about? A constant unraveling of who we once were, until we learn through loss and pain, growing into a new found being, forged by heartbreak and refined by fire.

The confidence and courage in the woman I have become is from those lost moments in life. Those heartbreaks that confounded  me and left me disoriented until I had the determination and knowledge to persevere and grow.

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We lost Ryan in February, with all the bitter cold that surrounded us the climate resembled our emotions. Feeling as offended as that blast of arctic air that blew outside with the frost reaching my soul. It was like those storms outside my window and inside my heart were one in the same.

But before I could even grasp the emotions swirling through me spring had dropped anchor. I could hear the birds crooning each morning while I still sat frozen on the front porch swing. Although I held back the exasperation, in my mind I wanted to wail at those birds,  scream at the world that had somehow moved on, I AM NOT READY... My heart is still broken, my tears are still fresh, have you ever suffered the loss of your flesh?

Ryan_xmas_92

Somehow the pages of the calendar were moving and the seasons were changing. As the years drifted on and the anguished side of the grief began to diminish, I began to live again. With my metamorphosis already in progress, though sluggish, I began to feel the warmth on those sunny days and my heart softened a bit from all the rage and pain, until finally I could breath again and I realized I could just exist, and that was okay. 

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