Packing Memories

March 4, 2016

The red glow of the sun filters the sky, reminding me of the promise in a new day; attempting to appreciate the beauty while trapped in sadness I begin to let go by untangling the positive, discarding resentments, and discovering life in the present. And just like that, time passes; the red sky has faded to a soft blue, transformation occurring as our lives unfold in a heartbeat.

The three of us sat together, my cousin, Deb and I, sifting through pictures and papers, beads and pins and all the crafts accumulated over time. Slowly we separated them into lots; things to sell or give away donate or keep, leaving a small bundle for the future. Within the remaining pieces we clutch a sliver of hope for the opportunity and possibility that one-day the aspiration to craft will return.

She joined us during our packing as much as possible and to help her through we filled her time with laughter while uncovering photos of the past as we reminisced the life we once shared, and although we aspired to keep the moment light, heaviness weighed on our hearts as we packed away this portion of her life.

Diligently working, I pushed my feelings down struggling to tether her current state while reminiscing of our past. Her articulations of the way things were remains seamless, although the concept of time remise. Recalling the joy she held when crafting, I struggled to let items go, as if a piece of her were locked within each article.

Depleted, she often left to rest while we continued packing. Shuffling through the memories we attempted to focus on the joy they held, instead of the ache that interfered, recalling the moments we shared assembling memories into books with the echo of laughter that still rings in our hearts.

Like the shedding of skins, I continue this evolution of growth, releasing heartbreak while the confusion of surrendering tastes doubtful. My attention shifts from admiring the sun to cursing the rain, attempting to be grateful for the things we shared while releasing the ache for all she has lost, a constant struggle to unpack as another day recedes to our past.

In order to discover progress and be present for each day, I must anchor the strength to forgive the doctors, and discard the resentments that cling to my heart. Our lives, so different now, awaken within me the power of acceptance while I am finally learning to embrace who she is today instead of longing for what was.

I will forever grieve; yet continue the search for grace.  Awareness with each emotion as part of the process, allowing myself the sadness when it arrives, because right now there is no lesson I want to learn, nor bright side to claim. Those pieces are now packed in totes along side the memories we shared, waiting for discovery on another day.

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  • March 4, 2016 @ 11:35 AM EST
    By Mary Libertowski
    Thank you for putting that painful time into words. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. My heart is so heavy but you're right, we have to endure and hope.

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