In the MIDDLE...

October 19, 2005

I had no control of my birth order, right? I just happened to be the 3rd child in the family and yet my being the middle child has me in the middle of many things in life. Things I would have never thought would happen in my family.

I used to enjoy being "in the middle" - that is, as the middle child. But lately it has taken on a bitter taste and I don't want to be here anymore.

You see of the five children which left me as "one" of the middle children I've lost both my other allies that would share this claim as middle child. My older brother died before I was born and in 2003 I lost my other brother that shared this role as middle child with me.

Now besides having to deal with losing my brother, as if thats not enough for any person to have to suffer, lets throw in a family fued between the oldest and youngest siblings. Now every conversation is about their squabble (which will go unamed here) and what "I" should be doing about it.

I'm trying to be neutral, trying to be Switzerland... just leave me alone - I love you all and don't want to be a part of this. But I keep getting pushed in different directions.

I should do this or why don't I do that or even just the hint of what I should be doing is going to make me nuts! All I want is "whats left" of my family to be together or at least that's what I thought?

I don't know anymore, sometimes I wonder if things could ever be repaired again?


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