Happiness Jar

December 22, 2015

Hit by a creative bug I began working on a happiness jar, a jar that can be filled throughout the year with happy moments. It felt good to be creative and allow myself the time to do something I enjoyed, but within that creative flash my attention began to wander, and inside that wandering appeared thoughts of my sister.

Every year her excitement through the holidays was contagious, and my mind began unwrapping images of that time, filling me with this gentle prompt of what was. Evidence of how she too would love to be making these handmade gifts for others caused me to pause.

Peeking back to kiss a sweet memory of the past scorched me with a flame of anguish. Grief had stepped in to chasten me with barbed memories unraveling before me. How dare I attempt to capture happiness in a jar cursed the sadness as it heaved me to the floor.

And as it clutched away at my fortitude I cried. I cried for the life we used to share and I cried for the life we will never have. I cried for the bravery she wore before the surgery and I cried for the confusion she now lives, no longer able to focus I sat and I cried, mourning the loss of what we once shared I cried until no tears were left.

Hours went by and I tried to shake the images loose. Tired of searching for the bright side when I am filled with darkness. Grieving the loss of the sister I once had, while I attempt to embrace the new life we share, and adjust to this difficult reckoning, I cried.

And as the light fades from the window, I notice how the evening arrived without my awareness and wonder how we get lost in grief? How does life slip by so quietly, and then erupt into something you never imagined? How tragedy remolds our lives and how do we begin again?

Nightfall has appeared and I close the blinds, reflecting on the details of our upcoming Christmas while I search for a smile. I know it is there, but now I allow the sadness to embrace me, as my heart overflows and the pain seeps through every barrier I tried to form, spilling to the ground.

Sliding to the floor I quit fighting the sadness and allow the tears to flow, hoping tomorrow brings the courage I need to do it all again…

This holiday enjoy the time you spend with your family, don’t let the days slide by unnoticed, appreciate each moment you have, because nothing is important when you can’t share it with those you love...

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