Grieving through the holidays

November 27, 2018

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory" ~ Dr. Suess

 

Funny how a noise wedges into my thoughts like a vise and pries open a memory. Just the other day I heard a man whistling while walking outside, and almost reeled around to see my father. Then just as quickly, that flash of reality pulled me back knowing that sound had been silenced 20 years ago.

While shopping, I glance at a sweater that would be perfect. She's always so cold, and as I pause to think, my senses return and I keep moving through the store. Barely 6 months since she is gone, yet I fumble to recall her vanishing mind  so many years before her body.

And as I twist at the memories of before, the wrongness claws at my heart. The last time I heard him whistle, the last time I saw her smile. Everyone prepares for the holidays, while I prepare to fill the void, imagining a life with them in it. 

And then I hear, 'Our prayers were answered', as someone's life is saved. Did God not hear our prayers? Perhaps the prayers are there for us to survive the loss?

Death is so muddy. Often arriving without warning to steal away love. Everything is normal, until it is not. Death oozes onto everything, every action, thought, memory, death is the reminder of how fleeting life is.

Each moment a transformation of life, we wait our turn, knowing. The quiet within the chaos, I will remember as life once again bubbles to the surface in what was.

The credits roll, the story ends, all that remains are the moments we share.

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