She cries

September 24, 2014

yet she cannot explain why!

She gets in the car and weeps and I am confused? What is wrong I ask, but get no answer? No explaination for the hurt she feels? She starts again with broken vocabulary, pieces that cannot be put together to form a sentence, portions of words that are made up. I continue to tell her I don't understand what you are trying to tell me and she is angry, fists thrashing her legs, searching for the words that are no longer with her? So confused, descending daily at such a rapid pace, it's frightening!

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She has always bruised easily, upset by someone who most times didn't even know they upset her, and while some of that felt irrational then, this disease magnifies all those things. Her fears are so tangible to her yet so irrational to us, compared to our daily lives, how can you comprehend her fears and anguish, and while I try, even I step away disheartened.

Dementia is exhausting! Something that cannot be described when you are living with it. I have my mother, but she has no sense of happiness, of belonging or living. If you are not frustrated after being with her you are depressed along with her, everything is down and dreadful and despairing and fearful. 

Involving her in life, art and fun things in an attempt to enrich her life, sometimes she is briefly distracted but soon she is back on another tyrant of irrational fear or dread or something you cannot get enough description to even understand. What kind of journey is this for anyone?

Do people realize how blessed they are to have their parents! My father has been gone for almost 17 years! Hard to believe since I never thought I would survive a day without him! My mother became dependent on us children since his passing with the dementia taking more of her each day.

We go on, what choice do we have? Trying to brighten her days, make them count while silently destroying our hearts...

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