Finding meaning

February 9, 2015

there are days I need to stop myself from sinking...

I begin to disappear, immersing into the anguish that has transpired, like a tepid bath that keeps drawing one near. Bracing myself from the brevity of it all as I balance on this high wire. Trying to punctuate all I am capable of doing, help those around me, while still compelled to follow my dreams.

I have not died, I am still here...

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A heavy burden I carry, the healthy one, without encephalitis, brain tumor or heart problems to hold me back, nor aneurysms, dementia or cancer. I get to wake each day filled with possibilities, abundant with hope and joy. On a quest to find my purpose and understand why so much suffering has occurred around me, motivating me with the life I was granted, elevating it to take flight.

The first step is to mend my broken heart, a fleeting repair that will never altogether be fixed. With a desire to be whole and have the ability to help my sister, finding patience to be useful for my mom. Eager to find solutions to make their life better, while making sense of my own. Pursuing  patience and the capacity needed to understand memory and the brain. What makes one memory luminous with recognition while the next drifts away like a lost balloon?

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I will never understand why my sister is suffering through this or why Joe had to die, and Ryan, sweet Ryan, what possible lesson was meant for me to learn from losing a child?  

Each day the gentleness of life mixed with crushing grief lead my heart through a frenzy of emotions, from an overwhelming sadness to a joyous elation. Accepting the changes that have occurred while finding the bright side, a softer side that one can sink into is a hard act to balance. One day feeling grateful for this life only to be struck down with sorrow the next. Emotions spiraling out of control searching for something to ground you once more.

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As I unravel another piece, spending the time necessary to unearth the soul again I am reminded of the blessings all around. For a positive future I must continue to take the necessary journey through the murky present with faith and guidance in order to reach the goals that at times, feel unreachable. 

Although sometimes hard to find, there is always joy in life, and I continue  on a quest to find it each day, especially when the season feels so raw. With each new sunrise I pick myself up, dust off and step into the moment, with a new awakening, thankful to be given another day to search.

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