Everything changes

February 4, 2014

Its a fact of life that everything changes. Whether you plan for change, have sudden change or it is a gradual change that goes unnoticed until you wake up one day and everything is different.

Lately there are days when things can get quite overwhelming, and its not that any one thing is too hard to deal with, its when you lump them all together that they begin to weigh you down.

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2012 was a year of drastic change for me, so much of which I had no choice in was changing before my eyes, and it was all I could do to hang on. As 2013 approached I was ready for a new beginning, but as we know things just kept declining with the discovery of Debs tumor the tipping point. Teaching me that while the things before were difficult, it was nothing to what was to come.

Spending time with my mom is something I try to do often. Having her spend the night and taking her to art class, where I see her shine and come alive again. It never fails, whether  before or after class she mixes up her supplies, forgets to bring things or forgets that she even had them and her frustration builds. If I ask about something I just purchased to help make things easier for her, I learn she has no idea what I"m talking about or where it is, its exhausting! 

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And yet there is a mixture of frustration and guilt that I carry too. I want to spend time with her. And remember the three of us, she, Deb and I,  always doing things together. But i must learn to accept that part of our life has changed.

Having her and Deb together usually does not fare well. She does not understand Debs brain injury and Deb gets frustrated that she is not the mother that she needs and does not remember that she has dementia. Its like trying to seperate two siblings from picking at each other when we all do something. Its a good thing to have Chelsea with us to help mediate things.

And while I'm still trying to adjust to change, including seeing those "lines form on my face and my hands" (thank you Alice Cooper), I am learning that through these changes I have made my most profound growth in life, and I am thankful for that.

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