And the beat goes on

Here we go day by day trying to survive what life throws our way...

I spent a long weekend with my mother and anyone that knows her can see how rapidly her health is declining. Yet for some reason I still expect more from her as I continue to remind her how I just told her something. It's like a bad habit that I can't let go.

And its funny her responses with people, a part of which is still the same as when we grew up. It seems she always valued a mans opinion more than a women's,  growing up we knew she loved us as she knew how but until she heard something from a male's perspective, it didn't hold much water.

And so, back to my long weekend with my mom and her dementia...

Trying to differentiate what is her and what is dementia can be a fine line. She never was an outgoing or assertive person, but now she will not even make herself a cup of coffee or a plate of food, no matter how long its been since her last meal. So I try to make sure she is eating throughout the day. 

After making her dinner plate and showing her it was there, she thanked me and I went into another rooom. When I returned her plate was shoved forward and I asked if she was done eating? She angrily replied, "I didn't even know it was here and its cold, how am I supposed to eat this?" While confused at her response I was also shocked at her anger with me. My mother was never an angry person and here she is yelling at me after I'm trying to help her. Such a discomfort it is to be helping someone only to have them angry.

Whether it applies to the above mentioned "male idealism" or not, the next night Joel made her a plate and wouldn't you know, it was perfect! I smiled at Joel without her seeing...

I cannot say I handle this all with grace. I too get angry and frustrated and sometimes walk away to recover from the shock of the latest battle, and then I feel bad. I'm trying to figure out why I feel angry with her and yet have patience with Deb? Do I feel like she's left me all this to deal with so I'm angry, or I expect her to be the person she was? I'm not sure, but I am learning and trying to improve my actions and find more patience in this conflicting and emotional life.