Ryan

It's been 17 years

I remember...

• I grabbed his coat because they didn't take it in the ambulance
• It was early morning and we were asked into a room with several people including the doctors
• having my brother come along, what could they possibly want to talk to us about
• hearing the news
• Joel screaming at the doctors
• me running out of the room with a social worker following me
• asking her to leave me alone as I called my parents and cried for them to get to the hospital
• my father sobbing in the hallway
• my parents driving us home in the worst snow storm

I remember... the good stuff!

• Lisa trying on dress after dress and coming out and showing me as I lay on the couch
• Grandma Veber cooking in the kitchen (I think it was chicken noodle soup)
• Friends and neighbors coming by
• Trying to conquer Super Mario with Ryan as we played Nintendo
• laughing as we read the book "if you give a mouse a cookie" seriously they have the best drawings!  
• turning up the stereo and dancing around the house
• bugs bunny was the cartoon of choice (probably one of the only choices)
• he always ending a request with please.... "juice please"

I've shared Ryan's story here and keep his memory alive sharing his story through the Metro Hospital toy drive/book drive and other ways in paying it forward.  And while this has probably helped me more than its helped others there are some days that I just want to sit in the corner and cry out "why me?"

Ryan truly was this sweet boy only 5 years of age, that brightened our world.  Being a stay at home mom it was just him and me sharing our days together.  We did all those fun things you do with a child that you might think are simple or trite but oh what wonderful memories they behold today!  His teacher loved him at preschool, she said he had a calming influence about him.  We still keep in contact today... she too lost a son years later when he was in college.

Ryan was a lot like me, a quiet, shy child who didn't look to be center of attention.  We would walk through store aisles forever in search of something never wanting to ask for help.  Then along came Chelsea who was a total opposite of Ryan.  She was friendly, outgoing and became the voice for Ryan and I.  If ever we were walking through a store in search of something she would speak up to the next person passing by to aid us in our search.  As much as I hurt for my husband and myself, I hurt for her too, not having her older brother.

In 17 years you learn a lot too.  I learned that I would have rather loved and lost than to have not loved at all, that life is just to precious to hold grudges, that people say stupid things when your grieving or going through a rough time.  Most of the comments are usually out of ignorance and not meant to hurt.

So today, remember that life is too short for petty grievances, it hurts you more than it hurts the other person to hold onto grudges, and cherish every moment, the good and the bad because they are trying to teach you something... so pay attention!

I plan to spend the day paying it forward in my attempt to help someone else that may be having a rough time!